Any native english speakers here?

Discussion in 'Feedback Requests' started by joe, Oct 15, 2010.

  1. joe

    joe
    Original Member

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    Hi there,

    I need some help on proofreading a short english text. Do you think the text is fine? What should I improve?

    ###

    The poster to your game
    It‘s more easier than you might think. And this is how it works.

    Your poster
    The details explained step by step.

    1. The conditions have already been met. Your game is popular.
    2. If you have any questions you can always count on our help.
    3. If necessary we can rely on our network of talented graphic designers and illustrators to create a stunning motif.
    4. The print is done by our collaborating printing company. We guarantee the best quality.
    5. Then, the poster will be rolled and wrapped in foil automatically.
    6. Through various channels your player has the opportunity to order the poster.
    7. If an order is placed, the poster will be packaged and delivered to the customer in no time.
    8. Returns will be handled fast and professionally.
    9. The customer gets a quality product and you‘ll get free long-term advertising as a side effect.
    10. We will pay generated revenue to you just in time.

    Your advantages
    gameposter.net is the right partner for you.

    1. No fincanial risk for you at any time.
    2. Additional revenues.
    3. Minimum effort.

    ###

    Thank you.
     
    #1 joe, Oct 15, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2010
  2. xDan

    xDan New Member

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    This is "Poster" as in the thing you put on your wall?

    A lot of it depends on the exact situation, would be better off reading in context on the website or wherever you are going to show it. Most of the text makes sense and is "correct", but a lot of it seems like waffle, though this is a complaint that could be made against a lot of marketing speak (and may be present in your native text). For example stuff like:

    "If you have any questions you can always count on our help."
    --> OK, but you can be more positive, and perhaps even convey some useful information "You can email us on ### at any time!"

    "Through various channels your player has the opportunity to order the poster."
    --> Better, you state the exact channels. "Your player orders the poster by doing X, or by Y, or even by Z!".

    "If an order is placed, the poster will be packaged and delivered to the customer in no time."
    --> "When an order is placed, .." is more positive in tone ;)

    "We will pay generated revenue to you just in time."
    --> Just in time for what? Judgement day?


    I could go on... Here's some more minor suggestions though:

    The poster to your game => The poster of your game

    It‘s more easier than you might think. And this is how it works. => It's easier than you think. Here's how it works:

    The details explained step by step. => The process explained step by step.

    6. Through various channels your player has the opportunity to order the poster. => Your player has the opportunity to order the poster through various channels.

    10. We will pay generated revenue to you just in time. => We will pay generated revenue to you on time. [perhaps - I'm not sure what you mean exactly by "just in time"]

    1. No fincanial risk for you at any time. => No financial risk for you at any time
     
  3. Allen Varney

    Original Member

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    Here's my suggested revision:

    Make a poster for your game!
    It‘s easier than you might think! Here's how it works:

    1. Your game is popular. Check!
    2. Our talented graphic designers and illustrators can create a stunning image. We guarantee our printing company's best quality.
    3. Players order your poster through our channels. We roll, foil-wrap, and package the order for fast delivery.
    4. We pay royalties to you on schedule, and we handle returns fast and professionally.
    5. The customer gets a quality product. You get free long-term advertising!

    * No financial risk for you at any time
    * Additional revenues with minimal effort.

    gameposter.net is the right partner for you. If you have questions, count on our help.
     
  4. joe

    joe
    Original Member

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    Thank you for the great feedback and suggestions !!!

    If you like to have a nice dragon poster please send me a private message with your address and I will send you a free copy.
     
  5. Artinum

    Original Member

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    Allen's version is excellent. Go with that!
     
  6. Jasmine

    Jasmine New Member

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    The poster to your game
    It‘s more easier than you might think. You know what you doing.

    1. The conditions have already been met. Your game is popular. We get signal.
    2. If you have any questions you can always count on our help. Main screen turn on.
    3. If necessary we can rely on our network of talented graphic designers and illustrators to create a stunning motif. It's You !!
    4. The print is done by our collaborating printing company. Take off every 'zig'.
    5. Then, the poster will be rolled and wrapped in foil automatically. Move 'zig'.
    6. Through various channels your player has the opportunity to order the poster. You have no chance to survive make your time.
    7. If an order is placed, the poster will be packaged and delivered to the customer in no time. For great justice.
    8. Returns will be handled fast and professionally. Somebody set up us the bomb.
    9. The customer gets a quality product and you‘ll get free long-term advertising as a side effect. All your base are belong to us.
    10. We will pay generated revenue to you just in time. What you say !!


    :D
     
  7. joe

    joe
    Original Member

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    @Jasmine

    Sorry, I don't get the point. What do you want to say??? :confused:
     
  8. papillon

    Indie Author

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    She's making an intentionally-bad-English version of your list (and referencing the famous Zero Wing engrish) because she thinks it's funny, but that's unhelpful being given to someone who isn't a native speaker and will have a hard time getting the joke. :rolleyes:
     

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